I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
