The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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