I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
