brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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