4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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