Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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