drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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