Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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