My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
