I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
