I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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