I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
