His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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