fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
