um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
