My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
