How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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