you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
