CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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