textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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