omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
