we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
