My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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