so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
