I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
