So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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