I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
