well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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