Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
