is your mom at the bar?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
