at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You left your phone here
Wait...
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