I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
