Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
