you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
