i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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