community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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