I am in a vortex of obligation.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
