I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
a search helicopter?!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
