I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
