I think im going to throw up on grandma
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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