Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
