life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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