Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
