she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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