i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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