My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
