he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
