On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
