ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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