you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
